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Bloke: "Sorry, I didn't catch your name..."
Lucy: "It's Lucy."
Bloke: "Very pleased to meet you, Lucy. So - are you Lucy's sister?"
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Posted by JT on 21 May 2010.
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"Yes, I am. You must be Bloke's brother, good to meet you!"
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Posted by mike on 21 May 2010.
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"These days you can get arrested just for shooting people."
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Posted by mike on 19 Jun 2010.
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Police officer, raiding house occupied by five suspected illegal immigrants from India, to suspected illegal immigrant and speaking very slowly and using exaggerated mannerisms in case they can't speak English: "Do... you... have... a... passport...?"
Immigrant: "Yes."
Officer: "What... about... these... guys...?"
Immigrant: "I don't know about these guys, sorry."
Officer: "Can... you... ask... them...?"
Immigrant: "Do you guys have passports?"
Other immigrants: "Yes we do."
Officer: "I... will... need... to... see... your... passports... where... are... they...?"
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Posted by JT on 25 Jun 2010.
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So this copper sees a van doing 60mph in a 50 limit, so he pulls it over, and says to the Indian guy behind the wheel, "Sorry mate, the limit's 50 here." The Indian guy leans over the back and says "I'm afraid 5 of you are going to have to get out" :)
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Posted by mike on 26 Jun 2010.
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"I would like to see the council use some anti-social paint on top of the walls round here." (From Cambridge News)
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Posted by JT on 21 Jul 2010.
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I've seen that anti-social paint. There's a little gang of it that hangs around in the park, always drinking cheap cider and yelling insults at passers-by. Bring back the birch, that's what I say!
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Posted by JT on 21 Jul 2010.
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"The 32-year-old was found dead in a delivery area behind the Oxfordshire Golf Club, near Thame, where he worked. He had been decapitated.
Police were called the the club at 3pm, but Mr. XXX [the victim] had died before paramedics reached him." (Cambridge Evening News)
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Posted by JT on 27 Aug 2010.
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"I got my crabs from dirty dicks. Haha best dinner ever!!" -Facebook status update
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Posted by CheddarBBQ on 27 Jun 2010.
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"This says a guy got into a coma by jumping out of a car." [30 seconds pass] "*gasp* It was a moving car!"
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Posted by CheddarBBQ on 26 Jun 2010.
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I found it hard to put into words how shocked they were at the realization that the car was moving.
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Posted by CheddarBBQ on 26 Jun 2010.
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"You just Warning?" -referring of course to the album 'Warning' by punk rock band Green Day.
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Posted by CheddarBBQ on 11 Jul 2010.
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Found on a Parisian gravestone: "Andre Notin 1949-"
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Posted by Ghost on 20 Jul 2010.
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A concerned mother writes: "My 17 year old son has been very secretive with me lately, recently he has started to refuse to go to church with the family and tonight when I was going through his room I found a magazine with naked men in it. He obviously has a girlfriend that he is hiding from me that brought that magazine into my home and I am afraid that they are having intercourse and I am greatly concerned that he will get her pregnant."
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Posted by JT on 31 Dec 2009.
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TL - but stick with it. It's a gem.
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Posted by JT on 31 Dec 2009.
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Conspiracy Theory Mum. Gay is just a myth.
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Posted by Moosh on 1 Jan 2010.
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Really I think an unwanted pregnancy is the last thing you should be worrying about.
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Posted by mike on 1 Jan 2010.
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I would like to make love to this woman and give birth to her babies.
I'm sure she wouldn't mind, because her husband was also hiding a magazine with naked men, so he's obviously cheating on her with another woman.
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Posted by Socky on 1 Jan 2010.
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Mom, just back away SLOWLY and put the porn down. His girlfriend will need it when she leaves the closet.
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Posted by breadbocks on 4 Apr 2010.
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