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Exam question: "What are Vivaldi's Four Seasons?"
Answer: "Salt, pepper, vinegar, curry powder."
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Posted by JT on 14 Dec 2009.
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Police officer, raiding house occupied by five suspected illegal immigrants from India, to suspected illegal immigrant and speaking very slowly and using exaggerated mannerisms in case they can't speak English: "Do... you... have... a... passport...?"
Immigrant: "Yes."
Officer: "What... about... these... guys...?"
Immigrant: "I don't know about these guys, sorry."
Officer: "Can... you... ask... them...?"
Immigrant: "Do you guys have passports?"
Other immigrants: "Yes we do."
Officer: "I... will... need... to... see... your... passports... where... are... they...?"
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Posted by JT on 25 Jun 2010.
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So this copper sees a van doing 60mph in a 50 limit, so he pulls it over, and says to the Indian guy behind the wheel, "Sorry mate, the limit's 50 here." The Indian guy leans over the back and says "I'm afraid 5 of you are going to have to get out" :)
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Posted by Wrongfellow on 26 Jun 2010.
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US interviewer: "Which countries are in the Axis of Evil?"
US interviewee #1: "Uhh, I know Germany is one of them. I don't know any of the others."
US interviewee #2: "OK. California?"
US interviewee #3: "New York."
US interviewee #4: "Jerusalem."
US interviewer: "There's more than one..."
US interviewee #4: "I think all of them."
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Posted by JT on 26 Sep 2009.
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Regarding a local band: "The name rings a bell, but I haven't heard of them."
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Posted by Wrongfellow on 29 Jan 2010.
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Overheard in a pub: "...But I thought black people didn't get cancer?"
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Posted by JT on 9 Nov 2009.
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"This is a very traditional space..." (Estate agent, rather sniffily, while valuing a full-scale house built entirely of Lego bricks)
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Posted by JT on 31 Dec 2009.
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"I don't care what you or the calculator say - my maths is a lot better than yours, young man, and £1.29, 50p, £1.99, £2.49 and £3.09 do not make £9.36."
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Posted by JT on 15 Mar 2011.
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It's been a long and tiring day. I've said it before and I'll say it again - retail would be a perfectly good job if only it wasn't for having to sell stuff to people.
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Posted by JT on 15 Mar 2011.
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Do you get to bar people from the shop for being too stupid?
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Posted by Wrongfellow on 16 Mar 2011.
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That's precisely why I need to have my own shop.
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Posted by JT on 16 Mar 2011.
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"Does that mean you're into witchcraft?" ([Name omitted], pointing at Star of David on a menorah.)
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Posted by JT on 13 Feb 2010.
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YES.
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Posted by CheddarBBQ on 21 Feb 2010.
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I get that question a lot, too, just because I have an inverted pentagram tattoo'd on my forehead. Idiots.
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Posted by Moosh on 23 Feb 2010.
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That reminds me of somebody who lived int he town I grew up in, who had been a skinhead and into white supremacist politics during the 1970s and had a swastika and National Front symbol tattooed on his head. He later saw the error of his ways and grew his hair to cover the tats. Then, ten years later, he went bald.
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Posted by JT on 23 Feb 2010.
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"What does the Bible say about husbands and wives having homosexual relations with each other? My husband wants me to do things to him that seem homosexual. I think since we are in the sanctity of marriage it is OK, but I don't know."
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Posted by JT on 31 Dec 2009.
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Things that seem homosexual? Is he making you dress up like a guy?
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Posted by Socky on 31 Dec 2009.
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No, he wants her to fuck him with a dildo, obviously.
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Posted by Moosh on 1 Jan 2010.
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Oh. That's not gay at all. Lesbians do that all the time, and lesbians aren't gay.
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Posted by Socky on 1 Jan 2010.
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Girl 1: "I don't know any historical figures..."
Girl 2: "What's a historical figure?"
(From "Young, Dumb and Living Off Mum," Channel 4 TV)
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Posted by fred on 19 Aug 2009.
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Well, the title of the show really tells it all.
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Posted by Socky on 31 Dec 2009.
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